Well...hello again!

It's been way too long my friends!  I know I haven't posted in quite some time now.  However, I believe I needed a season of growing spiritually and until this moment, I wasn't sure when to start the study again.

The time has come and I'm feeling refreshed and ready to dive into God's Word again.  For the time being, that's what I feel like we need to studying...God's Word.  Let's open our Bibles and study His Word.

The following verse was on my heart today and I wanted to share it with you all!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  -Isaiah 41:10

It's very difficult not to worry, not to be afraid of the future...especially for our kids with autism.  I get it.  There are numerous amounts of worry and fear that can and will over take us if we allow them.   However, we have the capability of releasing this worry and anxiety back into the hands of God.  He is in control of everything.  He is stronger than everything and every situation that may be in our lives.  He wants us to rely on Him.  He's waiting for us to ask.  

So, today, my prayer is that we can all let go of our worries, concerns, and anxiety and give it to God.  Trust in Him.  Know that He will direct our paths and guide us.  He will be there with us as we go through all the storms that life brings us.  We just have to look for Him.  

Giving God control of our worries, allows us and frees us to do things that God needs us to do.  What good are we going to do today for our children, our spouses, our family and friends if we are worried as to what will happen tonight, tomorrow or years from now.  I know for me, when I am worried, I have very little patience for anyone.  How can I be a light for God if my lack of patience signs through brighter than the light?

Most importantly, giving God control of our worries, shows Him how strong our faith is in Him and how much we trust in Him.  

Let's give it a try.  Every time worry/anxiety creeps into your head, before you let it take any control over you, pray.  Give it to God.  Then, take Isaiah 41:10 and write it down on an index card.  Carry it with you throughout the day to remind you of God's promise to you.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for bringing this study back together and placing it on our hearts to dive into your Word. Today, we give you our worries, our fears and our concerns that we may carry especially those that concern about children with autism.  Help us remember that we can always come to You and that You will give us peace.
Amen

*  If you have a prayer request or a praise report, I encourage you to post them under the sections titled "Prayer Corner" or "Praise Report".  We'd love to join you in prayer.  We'd also love to praise God for the blessings you are seeing in your life!  Also, if God has placed something on your heart after reading the verse from today's post, please share in the comments section below!

Wrapping Up The Five Love Languages of Children

(Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 11 and 12, as well as the Epilogue for The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Chapman, M.D.  Please know that what we all learn from a study is usually different.  We'd love to hear your thoughts on this as well!)

This week, I want to wrap up this study of The Five Love Languages.  The book has provided a lot of great tips on how to discover our children's love languages as well as how to deal with anger and so much more.  Chapters 11 and 12 discuss Single-Parenting and Marriage.  There was a lot of great information and strategies on how we can feel our own love tanks as well as our spouses so that we can do the same for our children.

Here are the points that impacted me the most:

Single-Parenting

*  Everything we've said about loving your children is true, whether they reside with one parent or two.  There are many added dimensions in single-parenting families, yet the power of the five love languages is no less.  (p.  163)

*  No matter what your situation, if you are a parent raising your children alone, we know you can effectively show love to your family, particularly by speaking your children's primary love language. (p. 164)

*  If children receive the right kinds of love at times when they especially need it, they can come through the pains of family separation intact and go on to satisfying adult lives.  (p. 172)

*  A single-parent's emotional need for love is just as real as anyone else's need.  Because that need cannot be met by the former spouse or by the child, the single parent often reaches out to friends.  (p. 173)

Marriage

*  To feel loved and to strengthen your child's sense of being loved, you need to speak your spouse's primary love language as well.  (p. 178)

*  Speak each other's primary love language regularly and you will see a profound difference in the emotional climate between the two of you.  With full love tanks you are better able to fill your children's love tanks.  We believe you will find your marriage and family life much more enjoyable.  (p. 188)

Epilogue

*  No matter what your situation is now or will be in the future, God will never forsake you.  He will always be there for you and see you through to the end.  As you raise your children, there are opportunities to develop the spiritual aspects of their lives and your own.  (p. 194)


I especially loved what the authors included on page 194:

    The Old Testament prophet Isaiah, declaring God's words, wrote:
     Fear not, for I am with you;
     Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
     I will strengthen you,
     Yes, I will help you.
     I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

I hope you enjoyed this study as much as I did.  I learned so much from this book.  I believe the most  important thing I've learned about helping our children always feel loved is that we need to constantly fill their love tanks by speaking their love languages.  This will equip them to handle all that live throws at them.

Chapter 10: Anger and Love

Below are Nicole's thoughts on chapter 10 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that what we all learn from a study is usually different.  We'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well.  Feel free to comment below the post!

In Chapter 10 of The Five Love Languages of Children we learn how anger and love work hand in hand with helping our children deal with anger.  The authors do an excellent job on helping us to understand anger, how to control it ourselves and how to teach our children to the do the same.  If you have not read this chapter, I encourage you to do so.  I'm not going to go into detail on all of the helpful hints they gave on helping your children through it.  Instead, I want to look at one point that the authors made that really touched home to me in dealing with anger and autism.

Anger management is the most difficult part of parenting because children are limited in the ways they can express anger.  They have only two options, verbal or behavioral expression, and both are difficult for parents to handle.  Parents find it hard to understand that the anger must come out some way, that it cannot be totally bottled up.  p. 153

Mix in a little autism and it makes it that much more difficult to help our children "get their anger out".  With our kids, the easiest way to get out their anger is behaviorally.  Most of our children struggle with verbal expression so their go to response to anger and frustration is going to be behaviorally.

So how do we help our children with autism express their anger?  We need to look back at chapter 10 on two things that the authors say will help children deal with anger.

The first is we need to learn to control our own anger.  On page 148, the authors write the following...."Parents who have not learned to control their own anger are not likely to train their children how to do it.  And yet, this kind of training is essential for the well-being of children and of society.  If you have never learned how to manage your own anger, we strongly urge you to get some help in this area, so that you will be able to teach your children by example and word how to best handle their anger."  

This especially true for children on the spectrum.  I don't know about your child, but my son is so in tune to my feelings.  There are times where he can point out my anger and frustration before I even notice it.  It's important for me to control this anger and frustration so that he doesn't pick up on it and it doesn't effect him.

The other point the authors made in this chapter that I feel can really benefit us as parents of children with autism is the following:

"....keep his emotional love tank full of unconditional love."  p. 153

How do we keep their emotional tank full of unconditional love?  Showering them with their love language.

With our children on the spectrum, we may or may not be able to tell which love language speaks best to them.  Therefore, it is important that we shower them with all five love languages to help fill their tank.

I am well aware that with our children it is going to be a little more difficult to help them control their anger.  There is so much more going on with them internally that we may not be aware of.  With my son, when he eats something that hurts his belly or is feeling even the slightest bit sick we see more OCD which in turn can bring anxiety and anger.  We have a whole different ballgame going on over here.  However, at the same time, I do believe our children are capable of so much in this life.  Including learning how to control their anger.  It may take a lot longer.  It may only be a little bit of controlling their anger going on.  But every bit will help them.

As mentioned above, the authors went into more detail on how to help your children with their anger, including a "ladder chart" on ways to teach them.  I didn't go into a lot of detail on this however, these steps are all important on teaching our kids to deal with anger.  Our children need to be taught different ways in dealing with their anger.

So let's start trying to help our children deal with their anger.  Learn how to control your own.  Shower them with the love and follow the steps that the authors wrote in Chapter 10.

The most important thing to remember, in my opinion, is to keep their emotional tanks full!

(Please note that when dealing with the behaviors with autism, it's important to look at different treatments to help your child in dealing with these behaviors.  Every child is different in what approach works best for them.  For me, my son responds to ABA/Verbal Behavior when dealing with anger and behaviors.  In my home, we will be continuing to do ABA/VB and adding in some of the suggestions that the authors made in chapter 10 of The Five Love Languages.)

Chapter 9: Learning & The Love Languages

Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 9 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that what we all learn from a study may be different.  We'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well.  Please feel free to leave a comment in the section below this post!

Below are the things that the authors talked about in Chapter 9 that impacted me the most:

*  True discipline can help to develop a child's intellect and social skills that will serve him for a lifetime.  p. 130

*  Children discover life through the five senses.  A home environment that is rich in stimulation of vision, hearing, touch, taste, and smell will feed their natural desire to discover and learn.  p. 131

*  Children are more emotional than cognitive; they remember feelings more readily than they do facts.  p. 131

*  ...emotional development can make a tremendous difference in the child's learning readiness and process, and this is where parents can help the most.  We can prime our child's learning pump by continually filling his emotional tank.  p. 132

*  As you consistently speak the five languages of love-physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, and acts of service-you are giving your child much intellectual stimulation.  p. 132

*  A question parents often ask is , "How can I motivate my child?"  We can motivate only after we have filled our children's love tanks and trained them to mange their anger.  p. 137

*  If you understand your children's primary love language, you can enhance their daily experiences by speaking their primary love language as they leave for school in the morning and as they return in the afternoon.  Those are two important times in the lives of school-age children:  To be touched emotionally by their parents on leaving and returning home gives them security and courage to face the challenges of the day.  p. 140

Read the last point above again....you can enhance their daily experiences by speaking their primary love language as they leave for school in the morning and as they return in the afternoon.  Oh boy did the guilt over power me as I first read this.  How many times do I rush my kids in the morning ready to send them off to school so no buses are missed?  How many times do I run in the doors for therapies to drop off my son with autism so we aren't late?  How often do I scoop them up and rush to the next thing on our list?  Immediately after reading this I knew how guilty I was of doing this and I made this a priority of mine.  For my child who doesn't have autism, I speak his love language.  Our mornings are now smoother with less yelling and craziness.  For my son with autism, I try to speak all five of the love languages to him while trying to figure out which one reaches him the best.  The funny thing I've noticed about my son with autism is that his love language are sometimes different each day.

The thing I am learning the most from this study is no matter what is going on in the lives of our children the most important thing we can do is speak these love languages to them to help fill up their tank so that when the world around us chips aways at them, they are so full of this love that they do not crack.

Chapter 8: Discipline and the Love Languages

Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 8 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that we all learn from a study is usually different.  We'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well.  Please comment below the post.  

Discipline…when we hear that word we think of spankings, yelling, punishment.  This is what most parents (and children) think of when we hear the word discipline.  In Chapter 8, the authors teach us about discipline and it's true meaning.  They show us how discipline and punishment are actually two different things.  I want to encourage you to read this chapter, if you haven't done so already, and learn the difference between discipline and punishment.

Chapter 8 talked about a lot different things about discipline and punishment.  The authors described different methods of disciplining your child as well as different forms of punishment.  However, the one thing that stood out to me the most was the following:

Practice Unconditional love; then discipline.  (p. 115)

After reading those words, I thought to myself how quick I am to discipline and then wondered if my children could still feel my unconditional love.  Both of my children…autism or no autism.  Can they see how much I truly love them and feel this love when I discipline?  That's the point that I feel both authors were trying to get across.  If we keep our children's emotional tank full, the discipline comes across as a learning experience instead of punishment.  On page 114, the authors write…"The father's harsh words and angry tones might be tolerated by a child who felt secure in his father's love; but when the love tank is empty, as in Jason's case, such discipline creates anger and bitterness rather than responsibility."  The authors continue on page 115…"Clearly it is crucial that you love your child unconditionally.  You can do this much more effectively if you know and speak all the love languages.

Are you still speaking all five love languages to your children?  Have you discovered your child's love language and ways you can show them how you love them?  I'd love to hear!  Feel free to comment in the section below this post on your experience so far with any of your children!

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."  -Proverbs 22:6

Chapter 7: How to Discover Your Child's Primary Love Language

(Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 7 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that what we all learn from a study is usually different.  We encourage you to share what you've learned as well in the comment section below the post.  We'd love to hear from you.)

Now that we've learned what each of the five love languages are, we need to discover what are children's love languages are.  For children with autism, it may be a little more difficult for us to figure this out right away.

Below are the things the authors wrote which impacted me the most out of Chapter 7:

*  As we speak love in the five languages, all the while specializing in her language of love, we show her how to love others and her own need to learn to speak others' love languages.  (p. 98)

*  What happens when we speak all five love languages?  We teach our children to love others with all the love languages.  (p. 98)

*  Discovering your child's love language is a process; it takes time, especially when a child is young.  (p. 99)

*  While you need to look for your child's primary language, you also need to keep in mind that children go through stage in loving, as they do in everything else.  (p. 100)

As I mentioned in previous posts, it is very important that if you have not done so already, please read each chapter in it's entirety.  These are just the points that meant the most to me.  In Chapter 7, we learn how to discover our children's love language.  What I did not include above is two very points in our to discover your child's love language.  The first is five step way of discovering it.  The second is by using choices.  The third is a fifteen-week experiment.  All three have excellent ways of discovering your child's love language.

I want to focus on one thing in particular.  Throughout this entire book, we've heard the author mention something important.  When it comes to discovering a younger child's love language, we need to shower them with all five love languages in order to find out what one speaks to them the most.  I believe the same goes for our children with autism.  We need to show them all five of the love languages and watch closely as to which one speaks to them the most.  Watch their facial expressions.  Look for signs of anxiety afterwards or calmness.  Take notes and really try to find out how to express your love to them.  Once we discover their primary love language, we can teach others this as well.  Which will only help in so many social situations that are currently overwhelming.

Let me give you an example.  As mentioned before, I have twin boys. One with autism.  My son who doesn't have autism is desperately struggling on ways to connect with his brother.  He'll make him gifts, try to play with him, help him clean up his room, and even wrestle with him.  Imagine if we knew his love language…he could immediately use that love language in different situations to show him how much he loves him, which would help decrease any anxiety, increase the trust and decrease the stims.  This would eventually lead to more social gains and social language.  Right?  First, we need to find his love language.  (Yes, we are still trying to discover his primary love language by showering him with all five.  Which is pretty neat because it's teaching me to show my other son and even my husband all five love languages.)  Let's just say that his love language is Words of Affirmation.  All he needed to hear is "Great job!  I'm so proud of you!  You kicked that ball really hard!" from his brother.  If we knew this at the moment, their relationship would be stronger than ever right now.  But we don't know what it is.  So we keep learning how to show him more of the five love languages as best as we can in hopes that one day soon we will learn the best way to show him how much we love him.  Then, his brother can use the same love language to deepen their bond.

Chapter 7 is a very important one to read.  The authors do an excellent job with describing each of the different ways of discovering your child's love language.

Love Language #5: Acts of Service

(Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 6 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that what we all get out of a study is usually different.  We would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well.  We suggest that you read the chapters in your book as well as participate in the study online by commenting below each post.  By doing so, we will all learn so much more!)

After reading Chapter 6:  Love Language #5: Acts of Service, I immediately ran upstairs to one of my sons and asked him just what Will (a father that Gary Chapman met at a seminar) had asked his son.  I looked at my son and asked "You know I love you, right?  Can you tell me how you know that I love you?"  (In this chapter, Will finds out about each of his sons' love languages by asking this simple but very important question to his sons.)  I was expecting my son to say "yes, sure I know.  You buy me things, you cook me dinner, you help me with my homework."  What I wasn't expecting was his true reply…"Of course you love me mom.  You always give up your seat on the couch for me, you let me sit by you while you drink your coffee in the mornings, you rub my head when you're talking to me and spend time with me when I ask you."  If you look back to the post on November 22nd when we talked about the love language of touch, I reassured everyone that his love language was definitely not touch.  What changed?  What made me realize that maybe this is his love language?  I started showing each of these love languages to both of children each day.  Maybe I'd rub his head when he ran by, spent some extra time playing a game, gave them words of affirmation, special gifts….just to make sure they both knew how much I truly love them.

As stated before, it's hard for me to tell the love language of my child with autism.  He can't really get into these in depth conversations that my other son can.  While I'm trying to navigate through these in depth conversations with my one son, I am making sure I am showing both sons all five love languages in hopes to discover the love language of my son with autism.  What I am discovering is really fascinating to me.  Not only do both of my sons have two main love languages, but it's also very easy to speak these love languages to them and is making our mother-son bonds that much stronger.

What does all of this have to do with Acts of Service, our next and final love language?  It's the love language I need to learn to speak in both boys in different ways.

My boys are twins.  One has autism.  One does not.  One is a daredevil.  One loves to play it safe.  With the previous love languages, I've pretty much been able to show them both in the same way.  This one will be different.  For my son with autism, Acts of service will include teaching him how to do his daily living skills like making his bed, taking out the trash, brushing his teeth, etc… For my son who doesn't have autism, it will be sitting down and helping him with his homework, helping him organize his desk and his bedroom…things that he is struggling with.  It's tough sometimes, though, with my boys being the same age.  I have to separate where Sean, my son with autism, should be with what he can be at this moment.  With Sean, my acts of service can be simply sitting down and building his Marble Run tower that he loves to build however takes a long time to complete.  For other son who struggles with being organized, I can show him this acts of service by cleaning out his closet and organizing it for him.  However, then teaching him how to do it himself to stay organized.

If you have not read this chapter, I recommend that you do.  There were a lot of good points and ideas to remember while showing your children this final love language.  The one that really meant the most to me was….

The ultimate purpose for acts of service to children is to help them emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others through acts of service.  (p. 89)

Also, be sure to read the end of the chapter titled "What The Children Say".  It will really open your eyes!!!

I also love how they included this verse from the NIV Bible…

"When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed…"  Luke 14:12-14

Do you get the meaning in this?  It's not really about throwing a banquet.  It's about giving to those who can't give back.  Not to expect anything in return.  When you are doing these acts of services, you can't keep track of all you've done…for your children, for your spouse, for you friends/family/neighbors.  It's easy for us to keep track of it and then throw it back in the faces with people we know and love.  With complete strangers we do not.  Let's have the same attitude as we are serving our family.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this love language as well.  What are some acts of service you can do or are doing for your children/spouse/family?

Love Language #4: Gifts

Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 5 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that what we all learn from a  study is usually different.  We'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well.  Please comment blow the post.   We also encourage you to read these chapters.  Reading our posts are not enough.  The authors include a lot of really inspiring stories that explain each gift that much further.  We'd love to hear from you on what you've learned from each reading! 

The fourth love language we learn about is gifts.  Everyone loves to receive gifts.  Christmas time, birthdays, and any kind of surprise present…who doesn't love to receive gifts?  However, this does not mean that we all have the love language of gifts.

Below are the things that impacted me the most with Chapter 4:

*  Giving and receiving gifts as a way to express love is a universal phenomenon.  (p. 73)
*  The grace of giving has little to do with the size and cost of the gift.  It has everything to do with love.  (p. 74)
*  As you give to them with grace, you want them to respond with grace, whether a gift is large or small.  (p. 74)
*  Be careful.  It's often tempting to shower children with gifts as substitutes for the other love languages.  (p. 75)
*  Gifts should be genuine expressions of love.  (p. 77)
*  Except for Christmas and birthdays, many gifts should be chosen by both you and your children.  (p. 77)
*  You may find a special gift as you walk down a winding road or even across a parking lot.  (p. 78)
*  Gifts can also be made out of household items.  (p. 78)
*  Her emotional needs had to be met before she had the capacity to receive or appreciate a gift in the same spirit i which it was given.  (p. 79)
*  Children whose primary love language is the receiving of gifts will make much of receiving the gift.  (p. 79)
*  These children need to have their love tanks kept full-they cannot grow to be their best without it.  Remember, your children may not now realize how much you are giving, even as you continue to fill their emotional tanks.  But as they grow older, they may look back and realize that your love and presence has been the best gift of all.  (p. 81)

What I loved about this chapter is how the authors made sure that we understood that just giving the gifts wasn't enough.  We need to be constantly filling their "emotional tanks" with the other gifts as well to help them appreciate the gifts and truly see our love.  Some times, it is a lot easier to hand our children the iPad with a freshly new purchased app instead of playing on the floor with them so Mommy can get a break.  It's ok to do this.  However, we need to make sure that we aren't constantly doing this and taking away the other love languages that our children so desperately need.  The more we are filling their "emotional tanks" the more love they feel from us and for the child whose love language is gifts…the more they appreciate the gift.

Love Language #3: Quality Time

(Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 4 of The Five Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that what we all learn from a study is usually different.  We encourage you to read each chapter entirely and post what you've learned from the study as well.  We'd love to hear from you!)

What if….

What if this Christmas instead of rushing through the stores looking for the perfect gifts, jumping from one Christmas party with the kids to the next, traveling all over town to see all of the extravagant lights, taking over 100 pictures of your kids in front of the tree to get that one perfect picture to go on your Christmas cards (which you then have to address and stamp), moving that crazy elf from one place to the next, baking every single cookie you can possibly think of (it's stresses me out just thinking about it)….what if instead, we focus on what Christmas time is all about….Jesus.  Think about what you want your children to learn about Jesus.  Now, think about the craziness that we sometime stir up around us during Christmas time.  Are we teaching them about the life of Jesus and how we should be living today?  Or is the only thing they are seeing around us chaos?

This brings me to our next love language…quality time.  Jesus' time on earth is a perfect example of the love language of quality time.  He gave His undivided attention to everyone around Him.

What if...all your children really need is you?

I know we are all trying to create memories for our children.  Memories that they will look back on and think of how wonderful their childhood was.  (They will do that, right?)  For our children with autism, we try to make it as magical as possible for them.  We go that extra mile and search things on ebay to find that toy they just don't make any more.   We search recipe after recipe trying to find the perfect gluten free cookie recipe that looks and tastes yummy.  If you are anything like me by the time I finally get everything prepared for the big cookie bake, my patience is thin.  There's a mess in my kitchen, my kids are fighting, the dog is barking and I'm done.  Think about those last few shopping days of Christmas...we take the kids with us as we travel from store to store to store, still searching for that perfect gift that we think our children need.  I spend a ton of time preparing to make Christmas morning so magical for the kids so we can all enjoy it together and what we usually end up getting is an exhausted mommy, a financially stressed out dad,  one boy who is so overwhelmed sensory-wise from all of the sudden changes that we hear lines from Toy Story all day and another who is completely overwhelmed with all of the presents and things we had to get done before Christmas.  Where, in these moments, am I showing my children Jesus?  How am I teaching them what they need to know about Christmas time?

One of the best things I can do to really impact them the most is really spend some true quality time with them.  Sure we can do some of the fun traditional activities that make Christmas special to kids like baking cookies, seeing the lights and Nativity scenes and singing Christmas carols.  However, I do believe that to truly make these moments as magical and memorable as possible for our children, we need to give them our undivided attention, which this time of year is extremely hard to do.

The following points really impacted me the most from Chapter 4:
*  When a child's love tank is empty and attention is the only thing that will fill it, that child will go to almost any length to get what she needs.  (p. 60)
*  ….while more people are talking about quality time, most children are starving for it.  Even children whose parents truly love them walk around with empty emotional tanks, and few seem to know what to do about this.  (p. 60)
*  Quality time is focused attention.  It means giving a child your undivided attention.  (p. 60)
*  When you spend quality time with children, you need to go to their physical/emotional development. (p. 61)
*  The most important factor in quality time is not the event itself but that you are doing something together, being together.  (p. 61)

So this Christmas, instead of trying to create these perfect memories of what we think Christmas should be like, let's just play and spend that special time with our children…autism or no autism, our children need to spend that time with us where they have our undivided attention.  That means, no texting, no emails, no crossing off our to-do list in our heads.  Just be with them on their level.  Take the time to really teach them about the life of Jesus Christ and how important that special day that Jesus was born truly is to us all.  I know for a lot of our children on the spectrum, it may seem like they aren't listening, but they are.  They are listening and watching.  Obviously, things still need to get done.  Make a schedule (what child with autism doesn't like a schedule?).  On your schedule, make special time with your kids where no matter what's going on or what you are in the middle of doing, when the schedule says it's time to play, you drop everything, get on their level and be with them.  (Set a timer if you need to so you remember!)  By doing this, you will speak this love language of quality time loud and clear.  In the meantime, you'll be creating some memories that will help make this Christmas very special to everyone, including yourself.


1 John 4:7,8
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

John 3:16-17
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Ephesians 5:1-2 
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Love Language #2: Words of Affirmation

(Below are Nicole's thoughts on chapter 3 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please know that what we all learn from a study is usually different.  Below are the things that impacted us the most.  We'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well.  We encourage you to read the entire chapter to get the most you can possibly get out of this study.)

In Chapter 3 Love Language #2:  Words of Affirmation, we learn about the second love language, words of affirmation.  Words can impact us.  They can build us up or tear us down.

The following moved me the most:

"In communicating love, words are powerful.  Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, "I care about you."  Such words are like a gentle, warm rain falling on the soul; they nurture the child's inner sense of worth and security.  Even though such words are quickly said, they are not soon forgotten.  A child reaps the benefits of affirming words for a lifetime.
Conversely, cutting words, spoken out of short-lived frustration, can hurt a child's self-esteem and cast doubts about his abilities."  (Page 45)

What kind of words are you speaking?  We need to guard our mouths and make sure that what is pouring out of us into our children is uplifting and positive.  That's what we want them to feel.  Even if you mainly speak words of affirmation to your child, as soon as the negative, cutting words are spoken, they hold on to those.

The authors continue on page 47 with the following…

"Of course, we want to praise children we care about, but we want to make sure that the praise is both true and justified.  Otherwise they may regard it as flattery, which they can equate with lying."  (p. 47)

Be sure to read this chapter to learn how to truly praise and encourage your child.

When I think about this chapter with my son who has autism, it's hard sometimes to truly tell if he's understanding what I'm trying to speak to him.  Does he hear the words of affirmation?  I believe he hears it. He may not get that little grin that his brother gets when I speak words of affirmation to him, however, deep down in side he's storing these words to help him through the tough moments.  I love the authors also included the following:

"Long before they can understand the meanings of words, children receive emotional messages.  The tone of voice, the gentleness of mood, the ambiance of care all communicate emotional warmth and love."  (p.  46)

I believe our children on the spectrum are very in tune to our emotions.  Some days, I feel like my son is more in tune to how I'm feeling than I am even aware of.  There are moments where he will just be staring at me and say "oh, Mommy so frustrated." or "You're proud of me!"  or even "Mommy's so tired."  He knows by the look on my face how I'm feeling.  My emotional messages are either giving him his words of affirmation or throwing in the negative feelings.  It's hard because most of the time I'm not even aware of these looks on my face.  This chapter has taught me to not only be sure the words that are coming out of my mouth are encouraging and positive but also that the look on my face is showing this as well.  I don't think we have to go around smiling all of the time.  However, I bet if we spent some time noticing our facial expressions, especially while talking with our children, we will find ways to speak to them in a more uplifting way.

"Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin."  
-Proverbs 13:3

The Love Language of Touch

(Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 2 of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.  Please keep in mind that these are the things that impacted us the most.  We encourage you to read the entire chapter yourself and share what you've learned from the study as well.  Please share in the comment section below the post.)

In Chapter 2:  Love Language #1: Physical Touch, we learn about the first love language, touch.  Some of us are huggers, some of us are hand holders, some of us constantly pat our children on their heads or play with their hair.  Some of us are not fans of physical touch.  However, our children may be craving that motherly/fatherly touch from us.  This could be their love language.

My sons are 11.  My son with autism loves to wrestle.  He loves hugs.  He loves high fives.  He loves to snuggle.  His love language of touch is definitely high up on the love language scale.  My other son, does not like hugs.  He isn't one for high fives.  He will not snuggle or even sit close to us.  This love language is definitely low on his love language scale.  However, they both still need to feel this love language.

This past week, I've been trying to incorporate this love language into both of my sons' days.  For my son with autism, it was easy to do.  We wrestled, gave high fives, sat together and read books.   For my son who doesn't like hugs, it was a little more challenging.  I would sit next to him and put my arm around him while talking.  While he was on the computer, I stood behind him and put my hands resting on his shoulders.  Just for a few seconds.  Just to show him this love language.  It was a little more challenging to do.  You know your child.  You know what is too overwhelming for them.

I love how the authors included the following in this chapter on the love language of touch:

"In the first century A.D., the Hebrews living in Palestine brought their children to Jesus "to have him touch them."  The writer Mark reported that the disciples of Jesus rebuked the parents, thinking their teacher was too busy with "important" matters to spend time on children.  But Jesus was indignant with his disciples.  'Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.'  And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."


If you haven't done so already, please pick up your copy of The Five Love Languages of Children and read Chapter 2 to learn more on the love language of touch.  There is a lot more information on this love language and what you can do to show your child this love language.

Life Gets Busy, Make Time to Show How Much You Love Them

(Below are Nicole's thoughts on Chapter 1: Love is the Foundation of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.  We'd love to hear your thoughts as well!  Feel free to comment below!)

Our lives are busy.  In today's society, we seem to pile more and more on ourselves to see how much multi-tasking we can do.  Our days are rushed through.  Our lives are crazy busy.  We almost have it all under control and then we add more.

Unfortunately, because we add more and more things to our already crammed busy days, we don't really stop and enjoy everything and everyone around us.  Think about your morning this morning.  Did it look anything like mine?  Jump out of bed, quickly pour a cup of coffee, help the kids get ready for their day, pack lunches, drink a quick sip of coffee, make breakfast, constantly remind kids to finish getting ready, rush everyone out the door with a quick kiss-love you-have a great day smile.  Take a sip of cold coffee.  Everything I just did in that short amount of time was for my children.  I rush around like crazy and help them get their day started on the right foot.  I love them.  They know I love them.  However, do they truly feel how much I love them?  At what point this morning before I rushed them out the door did I speak their love language to them?

What is a love language?  Love languages are different ways you "speak" to others to show them you love them.  The five love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of services.

When I first started reading Chapter 1 of The Five Love Languages of Children, I was certain I knew which love language spoke to my kids the best.  Then, the more I kept reading, the more I realized that I have no clue which one they spoke.  Further more, if I don't know what their love languages are, then how I am showing them I love them.   I have twin boys.  One is Hunter.  He is my comedian, keeps me laughing and is my strong willed child.  My other son is Sean.  Sean has autism.   Now, Sean is going to be a little more difficult for me to figure out his love languages.  However, I know I can figure it out for both of my sons.

Below are the points that the authors made in the book that impacted me the most:

*  Speaking your child's primary love language does not mean he or she will not rebel later.  It does mean your child will know you love him, and that can bring him security and hope; it can help you rear your child to responsible adulthood.  Love is the foundation. (p. 16-17)

*  You may truly love your child, but unless she feels it-unless you speak the love language that communicates to her your love-she will not feel loved. (p. 17)

*  Every child has an emotional tank, a place of emotional strength that can fuel him through the challenging days of childhood and adolescence….We must fill our children's emotional tanks for them to operate as they should and reach their potential.  (p. 17)

*  If children feel genuinely loved by their parents, they will be more responsive to parental guidance in all areas of their lives.  (p.19-20)

*  For a child to feel loved, we must learn to speak her unique love language.  (p.20)

*  Whatever love language your child understands best, he needs it expressed in one way, unconditionally.  (p. 20)

*  …it is good to feel love and to verbalize it, but this is no sufficient to make a child feel loved unconditionally.  The reason for this is that children are behaviorally motivated.  They respond to actions-what you do with them.  So to reach them, you must love them on their terms, or behaviorally.  (p.26)

*  Your children will sense how you feel about them by how you behave toward them.  (p. 27)

*  Speaking your child's love language will meet his or her deep emotionally need for love.  (p. 27)

*  Children need all five love languages of love to keep their emotional tanks full.  This means that parents must learn how to speak in all the languages  Your children can receive love in all of the languages.  Still, most children have a primary love language, one that speaks to them more loudly than the others.  (p. 27)

It all comes down to love.  We need to show are children with or without autism, how much we love them.  Now, it is going to be a little tricky for us to discover the primary love language of our children with autism.  However, I believe it can be done.  If we all learn how to speak all of the love languages to our children, we will discover their primary love language.  Shower them with all five of the love languages and watch how they respond.  Only then, will we be able to discover the one that speaks to them the most.

Imagine the possibilities of reaching your child with autism through showing them the one thing you know how to do the best, love them.  Imagine reaching out and showing your child who does not have autism how much you love them and are here for them just as much as you are for their sibling with autism.

Life does get busy.  Let's slow down and discover our children's' love languages.  That way, when are busy mornings are over taking us and we are all rushing out the door, we can make sure we are speaking the right love language to show them all how much we truly love them.

"Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions." 1 John 3:18

Our Next Study

Join us on Wednesday November 13th as we start our next study....The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.  

Did you know that we all have a love language?  This is how we show others we love them and how we feel loved by others.  Do you know your child's love language?  It is often tricky to figure out each other's love languages especially a child's.  As a parent to a child with autism, it's even more trickier.  It's hard to give them the "love language test" to quickly find out.  Like most things, we have to be creative, patient and really in tune to them to help find their love language.  But it's possible!

With this study, I pray that we will all learn how to speak each of our child's love languages.  We will be looking at each chapter from the viewpoints of both a parent of a child with special needs and a child without special needs.  We can't forget about how much autism can effect the siblings as well.

Join us on Wednesday November 13th as we discuss Chapter 1 of  The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.  

Catching up...

Hi there,
I apologize for the lack of posts so far in October.  I've decided to take the rest of the month off from writing in the blog.  Feel free to continue on with devotionals.
I'm hoping to back up and running full force by the first week of November.
If any of you would like to join me in writing and sharing your thoughts and what God places on your heart with our studies, I'd love to have you!  I'm looking for a few people that can help reach out to others with me.  If you are interested, please email me at twinsmommee2002@gmail.com.
Thanks so much and I look forward to starting a fresh new study in November.  I'll keep you posted on which study we will be doing.
If you have a copy of Karen Kingsbury's Miracles Devotional, please keep it handy.  We will use this devotional between studies as we move forward.
Thank you!
Nicole

Week 11: Letting Go/Scripture Reading Luke 7:1-17 (Miracles by Karen Kingsbury)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer  and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  -Philippians 4:6-7

Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?  -  John 11:40

It's very rare that I don't meet a mother who doesn't worry, especially about her children.  Most mother's are quick to put their children in a protective bubble to keep them from harm.  What we, as mom's, need to remember is that God is in control of our lives.  We just need to lift them up in prayer for God's Will to be done.

In Week 11's devotion of Miracles by Karen Kingsbury, we are introduced to a mom who constantly worries about everything with her children to the point it keeps her up at night.  She's overprotective and tries to keep her kids safe at all costs.  We see that no matter how overprotective a mom can be, it can not always keep the kids out of harms way.  We also witness how this mom experiences true faith in God by praying over her child to keep him safe.

It is so easy for any mother to worry.  We want to keep our children safe and we want to be the best mom we can possibly be.  Especially when you are a mom of a child with autism.  The constant worrying about different therapies, our child's future, a public meltdown can really take a toll on our health and add some serious stress in our lives.

Stress...it is the one thing in our lives that can completely take over our well being and add more difficulty to a situation that is already overbearing.  Stress...it can take a current struggle and make it seem so much worse than it truly is.  Stress...can cause so many physical problems that can keep you from living a healthier you.  Stress and worry will cause any mother to be a little less patient, a lot more tired and a lot more distant from her child.

How do we deal with stress?  How do we keep away the worry?  Especially when it comes to our children with special needs?

We pray.  We give our children to God and cover them in prayer daily.  When that worry starts to creep  up on you, stop and pray to God about your child.  Ask Him to show you if this is an area you need to move forward from or one that you need to take your child into.  God needs us to have faith in Him and trust Him, especially when it comes to our kids.  God needs us to be at our fullest with our kids.  He doesn't want us to be slowly taken down by stress and worry.  He wants us to give our kids...His kids, the best of us.  The only way we can do that is to truly trust in Him.  Let go of our fears and anxiety and trust that God is in control.  Love our children with all of our hearts and minds and trust that God will move mountains for our children.

Week 10 Buckle Up: Scripture Reading Genesis 27 (Miracles by Karen Kingsbury)

"Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."  -Colossians 3:21

In Week 10, Karen Kingsbury tells the story of a mother who tries to encourage her to son to break free from a friendship she believes isn't healthy for him.  This friendship ends up being the one that saves her son's life.  It's important to note that when his father was alive he would tell the mother that he feels that their son's friend is a positive person in his life.  Instead of praying over their friendship and letting God's Will take over, she tried to force her feelings on their friendship on their son which almost ended up costing him his life.  The mistake this mom made was trying to take matters into her own hands instead of waiting on God for His directions on which path to take.

As parents, it's very hard for us let go of what we think our children need and allow God to do what He needs in their lives.  Add in special needs, and we are desperately searching for the way to help our children.  Searching so much it wears us down to total chaos, stress, worry and desperation.  We can't understand why it's not working.  Why is my child still sick?  Why aren't these treatments helping like I thought it would?  Why can't my child make a friend?  These words will be in our heads all day long and keep breaking us down until we can no longer function and hit a stage of depression.  That's not what God wants and it's definitely not what our children need.

God wants us and needs us to be the parents he created us to be.  What if the answer to what you are searching for is you?  What if the one thing that your child needs is a parent who is not anxious, not stressed, and not worried?  What if the one thing your child needs is a parent whose total faith through all of this is in God and what He will do to help?

God wants us to bring our needs to Him.  He wants us to ask Him for help and most importantly, wait for His help.  You see, the mom in Karen Kingsbury's devotion for Week 10 didn't wait for help.  In our scripture reading for this week (Genesis 27) Rebekah didn't wait for God to move in their lives.  She took matter into her own hands.  The New Living Translation of the Life Application Bible says this in regards to Genesis 27:5-10:

When Rebekah learned that Isaac was preparing to bless Esau, she quickly devised a plan to trick him into blessing Jacob instead  Although God had already told her that Jacob would become the family leader, Rebekah took matters into her own hands.  She resorted to doing something wrong to try to bring about what God had already said would happen.  For Rebekah, the end justified the means.  No matter how good we think our goals are, we should not attempt to achieve them by doing what is wrong.  Would God approve of the methods you are using to accomplish your goals?

As I've mentioned before in previous posts, I'm not saying to stop researching, stop all therapies and schooling.   This is very important for us to do.  All I'm saying is give it to God.  Pray about it.  Keep researching however, when you reach that point of confusion, chaos, worry and stress, wait for God.  Wait for Him to move in your life and show you which path your child needs to be on.  It's hard for us to wait.  Believe me I get it.  But I can tell you after 8 years of different paths I've taken my son on because I thought it was right thing to do, if I would have waited for God to direct my paths we would have had a much easier road.  I have recently started looking and waiting for the path that God wants us to take.  It's so much easier, more peaceful and a lot more rewarding.

Week 9: The Voice In The Storm Scripture Reading Psalm 107 (Miracles by Karen Kingsbury)

In Week 9's devotion of Miracles by Karen Kingsbury, we learn of a young man who becomes lost in the snow.  He hears someone reaching out to help him and helps him safely find his way home.

The scripture reading Karen Kingsbury has with this devotion is Psalm 107.  Psalm 107 teaches us the importance of praising God for all He has done for us.  We also need to share with others the way He has moved in our lives.

Bad things happen all of the time.  Storms come and storms go.  We will all have trials in life.  What's important for us to remember is that no matter how difficult or how minor our storm may seem, God is here to help us.  He will be the voice we are looking for when we are not sure which way to go.  We just have to go to Him.

We also need to remember that when God does things for you, it's important that we thank Him and also show people what He's done for us.  This way, they see how He can help them as well.

What has God done for you?  Has your child with autism made huge strides because of a path God has taken you down?  Is your family stronger than ever while facing autism because God has given you the strength to carry on?  Maybe your faith is deeper than it has ever been because God has given you peace.

Autism is a huge storm.  It's a strong storm.  At times it can be very overwhelming and blinding.  You need God.  You need His help through this storm.  And as He takes your hand and guides you down the right paths, be sure to praise Him and share with others how He has blessed your life.

Great trials in life should bring out a lot of praise for God.

Week 8: The Most Friends of All Scripture Reading: Daniel 1 (Miracles by Karen Kingsbury)

This week's devotion from Miracles by Karen Kingsbury tells us the story of a young man who struggled to make friends in high school and throughout his life.  His father taught him the power of prayer and how to never lose faith in God.  Because of his father, he lived a strong Christian life and his  faith remained strong even during the darkest times of his life.

This week's scripture reading is Daniel 1.  In Daniel 1, we learn of Daniel's journey into Nebuchadnezzar's court and how his unwavering faith in God remained strong and how he continued to follow God's law.

In both of these stories, we see one common theme...unwavering faith no matter the circumstances, no matter the time it takes, their faith is strong.

How about you?  How strong is your faith?

I think of the story that Karen Kingsbury tells in Week 8 and how long that man waited to see how many friends he truly has.  The funny thing is, God knew exactly when he needed these friends the most.  God knew when that prayer needed to be answered.  He may have thought he needed them in high school.  However, God knew better.

Then, I think of my life and my prayers that I bring to God daily.  God, please help my son.  Show me how I can help him be the best he can be.  Give me the patience to show him the love he needs to be the boy you need him to be.  God, please help my son.  In our times of storms, which happen to be more often lately, I have to remind myself how this is God's child and He will show me what to do and how to help.  I also have to remember one important thing, it's all in God's timing not mine.   It's hard to let go, especially when it's your child.  However, having that kind of faith in God will move even bigger mountains than you could ever imagine.

So, what do I do after 8 years of praying that same prayer every day since my son received his autism diagnosis?  I pray it again.  I wait.  I play with my son.  I help my son.  I remind myself that through all of these storms that we will encounter while we wait for Him to move these mountains, He will give me everything I need, my son needs and our family needs to get through it all.

Verses from Week 8:
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  - 1 Timothy 4:12

When he arrived and saw the evidence of the grace of God, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts.  - ACTS 11:23

A Week Behind...

Once again, I am running a week behind.  The new year of homeschooling has begun and I am trying desperately to get things in order.

I hope to have a post up by Wednesday!  

Week 7: A Time To Go Home Scripture Reading Luke 15: 11-32

(I apologize for being a week late with this devotion.  Motherhood calls and I struggled to get it written in time.)

This week's devotion from Miracles by Karen Kingsbury is based on Luke 15:  11-32, when Jesus tells the story of the lost son.  Karen Kingsbury tells us the story of a young man who left his home to become a prizefighter and how God reached out to him to call him home.  In Luke 15: 11-32, Jesus tells us a similar story of a young man who leaves home but returns to his father knowing he made a mistake.

This lesson can be applied to many of our lives today.  Too often, many people are concerned about living the life they want to live, not the life that Jesus wants them to live.  With the world we live in today, it's very easy to turn our backs on God and try to do things our way, even without realizing it.  Unfortunately, it usually takes something drastic, tragic or heartbreaking for us to look to the one person to direct our lives...Jesus.

Think about your life.  Are you living it for God and the way He is trying to get you to live or are you putting your own selfish desires first?  I think we all need to examine our hearts and the different areas of our lives to be sure it's in line with what God desires.  Let's turn our hearts and our lives over to God.  Just like the father in the parable of the lost son welcomed his son home, our Heavenly Father will do the same for you.

Luke 15:20
"So he returned home to his father.  And while he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming.  Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him."